he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I need to sanitize my soul.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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