Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
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