just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
