guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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