My boss' voice literally gives me gas
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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