I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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