i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
