I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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