you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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