I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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