im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Randomize
