3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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