I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Randomize
