I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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