Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
