the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
two words: eviction party
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
