I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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