Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
