I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
