he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
