I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
