i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
