He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
