yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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