just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
