i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
