Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Someone signed my nipple.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
