then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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