I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
