i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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