The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
