He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
