Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
