idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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