i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
