I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just want nice things and good sex
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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