god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
