Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
