Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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