glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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