Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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