I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
