just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
