there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
