After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
