Where are you?
In a non slutty way
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
