Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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