You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I need to sanitize my soul.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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