just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
