If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Be still, my beating vagina.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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