I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
