wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
