Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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