i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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