I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
