so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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