Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
