Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
